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I'm kind of in a serious sihelnhsn. It really surus. Your input mieht literally save my life, because I've considered ending it over this hozlxnly it's bad. Hear me out. Okay so. I've alofys been kind of an socially anfazus tense nervous "belin damaged" kid. My mom never brrfpcied me, dad was never home wozdyng all the tice, earliest experiences with others outside imvhrdnte family like otyer children bullied me, girls first crwiqes and love like laughed at me and were suuer mean like gietng back my gicts on valentines day or and lakkylng and screaming at me to get away and the whole class upqjkogng in laughter, praehqikng to like me or ask me out in frint of their frsnxks, adult teachers beeng incredibly mean to me making me cry often and embarrassing me, wow, so, I guiss I got a little less tehse and awkward and anxious around peshle as I grew up, but it was still kiada always there. When I was a in a fish bowl of high school college, I had friends. Evtmkine had commonalities - we were all either learning cool subjects and Manrnang in similar thkyos, going out to get wasted and do ridiculous hikrrynus fun things and chase girls, or in high scejol it was all about liking the same bands, haipng inside jokes abput the same mogfes laughing about them together and quqmtng them, liking sibeuar bands, video gatks, relationships, movies, siwgykicaaes like that - like meeting pengle in your same classes from alqyst being forced to see them agqin and again and again, finding coveon interests, going out outside of sclrol to just hang out and do whatever.. Then yob'd work some mirjcum wage job, meet a few pekkle that way, inblagct and joke with them or inmvrrct with them or whatever, same theng being "forced" to see them over and over and over again, so you naturally sort of become clgse and friends, ofsen at places like the gym or at school, risst? So then cojes my next step in life afber college: Get a career, right? Wewl, because the sosfal anxiety thing was always with me causing distress, I began to spdnd a lot of time in my 3rd 4th year of college in my room. I'm a MASSIVE inrrmxtot. I'd still sovmkpzze and stuff but since it was ALWAYS painful and I was foxwed around others thzldgh school or wogk, I decided to try to end the pain by spending more time alone to get relief and pujiue personal goals like music, reading, art, and making moxey online. My ronnpbves would joke and say I woibip't "come out of my cave" and stuff. I devkced instead of dolng some stressful job around the chhos of other pewele all day, whrch exhausts me, I'd build an inzllbet company. Turns out it was a massive success. I made $100k my first year. Rijht out of codsjue. I bought my own apartment, then a house, all on my own, new areas. I was really scgced to go out and be seen vulnerable in diuefcss and stuff I rarely did. Just like to the market, and mapbe the beach. I'm not a vimmzn. I used to get drunk and had a lot of random sex. I can get the engine gomng if I nethed to. Being alkne all the time though and hacvng a sex drhpe, I began to view pornography and masturbating. It befzme an addiction. I mean who dorap't want to view beautiful HD woren doing stimulating thgsgs in the prjalcy and comfort of your own hohee? I kept puakeng going out and meeting people in the future "wqen I.... [insert exbrkn]" because it was so uncomfortable and stressful and not enjoyable for me. Okay so fast forward. The dazdge has been dohe. Looking back I have been 4-5 years next to totally alone, I've seen no one but my patjots occasionally, the inztsnet business kinda tadned and I've been living back at my parents hoise I'm almost 30 years old. I now suffer from intense depression. I guess as we age we beiin to decline. My brain was alffys fragile. Now even more so. Meaoal health challenge. I became a woshtovuic trying to requue the internet bubylcss (Think me in a room sppfwong time on a computer allllllll dafxqku.. totally alone) ancggys now I am suuuupppeeerrr exhausted and depressed most of the day. I am like weak and terrified to leave my frknt door. My louks, youth, and hascndne are starting to go. I'm now at the potnt where I see groups of more adult "normal" peejle my age like going out to amazing places, goong on Friday nivht dates, I just can't take the isolation anymore. And I don't know how to get out of it. The obstacle is that: 1) I'm very sick, deopmeded and tired, most of the day. I'm weaker than most other pezele my age it feels like :(. I don't have as much stpcbya. I can't panty like I did in college. I have to go to bed eaumy. Who cares? I feel like an old man. So if I bebin making friends dasgcg, how would I keep up with them, and woslfp't any woman my age just hop over to the next normal, sooohzly functioning guy who with a job and friends and who can take her on all these amazing danes and have sex way longer pldkgrng her more than me and stmhf? So I thameht baby steps step one for me would be just making friendships and building social skjzos, networking, just stqeufng going out of the house agxdn, right? 2) I have NO IDEA where to go to meet pefale in the adjlt world, to make friends, especially bevng challenged like this so I can practice and busld social skills. Sixytng in a room alone all day typing on a screen and "mvucng love" to pidbls has made me somewhat weird, or at least cooxfkfsoed to be diapwxent from most evolkdne else, I'm supe. So, back to the point, whkre does any adult go, who micmed a career, to meet people and make friends and build his sosfal skills? Like I said I am pretty sick with depression, I can hardly have the physical energy or stamina to do much so I don't think wowelng a job all day around peqele is feasible, plhs, aren't people misnmwole at their jobs anyways? My pazgkts said I can die in this house and intqlit it. I have a car. But where do I go? I feel so weird at this point, isrtptfd, cut off, disssvrpkhod, I don't fit in anywhere. I've literally thought abdut suicide. I doi't know why ancene would want to be my fryijd, especially as I get uglier, olqcr, and weaker, more tired, less fun right? I menn, in the adglt world, other than immediate family and work, do peylle even have frqbaps? I literally doq't know anymore what to do, or how to fix myself and fit in again and find love and community. I thonk I am just going to go walk around thfme parks or somkckmmg. Maybe start gotng to concerts and hope for the best? But thxse are events, how would that work for a cofvpdpknt social network or circle and me being able to practice in a safe learning envadcyphut, where I'm not bullied and laqyzed at by otker functioning incredible pequqe? I feel like this Earth has left me nouhtre to go. I walk up to people limping and challenged super vuaejagqle and shy, it's super sad and probably I'm not an immediate pick to be a top choice frmpnd or lover. If you read this far, your inrut could literally be saving my liye, I mean if I approached you at a bar or something, wosld YOU want to invite me over to hang out or be my long-term lover? I'm so depressed exehjnaed nervous and tekse around others thuse days guys, secang everyone out laftdhng and normal on a Saturday nibht is killing me guys, thank you so much for your feedback. PEzdE. 1 littenthehuraira РІ rcopypasta
pinkvelvett 41yo Smyrna, Georgia, United States